i swear, this whole 'being alone' thing
is freaking killing me okay.

i don't work well alone.

life is crap when you wake up everyday
and trudge up that long wet walk
thinking to yourself:
'is anyone going to talk to me today?'

when you walk into a lecture theatre
you see unknown unfamiliar faces
in cliques and asking each other
where they partied the night before.

you quickly grab the nearest seat,
sometimes if you're lucky it'll be
next to people you've met briefly
and end up saying general things like
how their weekend was to fill time.

it's difficult when there are so many
things i want to say but i just can't,
my mind goes completely blank trying
to make up small talk and hopefully
get a good friend to talk to.

in the end, it's frustrating when people
get bored after awhile and ignore you.
i dont know why i'm still so awkward,
maybe it's because i'm still so uncomfortable
being here and everything.

i want to shout,
HEY!
i used to be able to make people laugh!
i used to be able to walk up to strangers
and talk a mile a dozen and make new friends
just like *that*!

but somehow, i'm so boring
and uninteresting here.
i'm too scared of so many things
and i worry too much about everything.

gaaaaaaaaaaah
i need to go and find myself.
(haha, get it?!)

but seriously, it's not the people/place.
it's me la, i really need to get a grip
and start being more open and
GO WITH THE FLOW.

okay, starting from next week,
i'm going to start OperasiBecomingSammieAgain.
i need to STOP worrying, RELAX,
enjoy myself, laugh more, talk more,
BE MORE MYSELF.

i have nothing to lose,
i need to do this.